1
00:00:56,660 --> 00:01:00,160
Where are we?

2
00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:03,580
Seems to be a lion on a dining table.

3
00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:06,160
I can see cutlery.

4
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:13,959
I've either died and come back as a
suckling pig, or we're still at the

5
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:15,010
room.

6
00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:17,020
What can you see?

7
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:19,170
Nothing.

8
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,620
I think I've gone blind.

9
00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:27,880
Hell of a do.

10
00:02:12,220 --> 00:02:14,200
What did we do?

11
00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:16,460
I've no idea.

12
00:02:18,620 --> 00:02:22,080
Everything after the loyal toast is just
colours.

13
00:02:23,020 --> 00:02:24,980
Movement? No.

14
00:02:29,860 --> 00:02:36,819
The last thing I remember is my head

15
00:02:36,820 --> 00:02:37,870
in the cold.

16
00:02:38,350 --> 00:02:39,890
unforgiving lavatory bowl.

17
00:02:41,030 --> 00:02:43,890
Dave, that wasn't the lavatory bowl.

18
00:02:44,830 --> 00:02:46,350
It was the punch bowl.

19
00:02:49,070 --> 00:02:51,210
Hark at Mr. Memory Man.

20
00:02:54,330 --> 00:02:57,230
I'm bleeding.

21
00:02:57,790 --> 00:02:58,840
No, you're not.

22
00:03:00,070 --> 00:03:01,250
That's red lipstick.

23
00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:10,020
wearing red lipstick?

24
00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:14,460
Because maroon would have clashed with
your eye shadow.

25
00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:24,839
You should know better than to pass out
unconscious when the boys from the

26
00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:26,020
vice squad are around.

27
00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:34,760
Last night, I think we made one.

28
00:03:40,140 --> 00:03:41,190
Is it all gone?

29
00:03:42,580 --> 00:03:44,600
Starting with a few beers, fine.

30
00:03:44,860 --> 00:03:47,120
A few glasses of wine, lovely.

31
00:03:48,460 --> 00:03:54,380
But the Yard of Advocate drinking race
might just have been a bridge too far.

32
00:03:57,020 --> 00:04:02,819
And our second mistake was letting
Leather Liver Lawrence persuade us that

33
00:04:02,820 --> 00:04:08,040
can't really mix a good dry martini
without the addition of window lean.

34
00:04:11,500 --> 00:04:15,440
our third, final crowning mistake.

35
00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:46,850
Is that a punch bowl?

36
00:05:00,900 --> 00:05:01,950
Dave,

37
00:05:02,620 --> 00:05:05,140
while you're up there, get us the punch
bowl.

38
00:05:17,230 --> 00:05:18,310
I might as well resign.

39
00:05:20,350 --> 00:05:21,400
Career's over.

40
00:05:22,630 --> 00:05:24,430
Been very nice working with you, Bob.

41
00:05:25,430 --> 00:05:28,380
You were up on the ceiling, hanging from
the light fitting.

42
00:05:29,090 --> 00:05:31,500
Not sure it was having a lie down in a
cold buffet.

43
00:05:32,390 --> 00:05:36,369
And I was dancing the lambada with the
wife of the commissioner of the

44
00:05:36,370 --> 00:05:37,450
Metropolitan Police.

45
00:05:38,610 --> 00:05:40,010
Commissioner Boyle's wife.

46
00:05:41,590 --> 00:05:43,210
How did I get up onto the ceiling?

47
00:05:44,750 --> 00:05:49,109
The motorcycle display team formed a
human pyramid, but that was not...

48
00:05:49,110 --> 00:05:54,790
I did the lambada with the
commissioner's wife.

49
00:05:57,050 --> 00:05:59,150
I took her out to the cloakroom.

50
00:06:00,810 --> 00:06:01,860
Bob!

51
00:06:03,350 --> 00:06:04,810
I snubbed her!

52
00:06:11,430 --> 00:06:13,270
I've got her telephone number.

53
00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:20,600
999? That's her work number. Her home
number's on the back.

54
00:06:22,110 --> 00:06:24,400
Are you sure it was the Commissioner's
wife?

55
00:06:25,030 --> 00:06:26,080
Absolutely sure.

56
00:06:26,110 --> 00:06:28,340
She was sat with him on the top table
early on.

57
00:06:28,690 --> 00:06:31,870
Red hair, yellow dress, looked a bit
like Sandy Gore.

58
00:06:34,170 --> 00:06:35,730
And that was Mrs Commissioner?

59
00:06:35,970 --> 00:06:37,020
Oh.

60
00:06:37,210 --> 00:06:38,260
Bob.

61
00:06:39,430 --> 00:06:42,030
Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob.

62
00:06:43,050 --> 00:06:44,390
Dave, Dave, Dave.

63
00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:47,330
Always the same.

64
00:06:48,060 --> 00:06:52,560
Every year, you're worse than pigs.

65
00:06:53,260 --> 00:06:54,380
Yeah, pigs.

66
00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:55,770
Exactly.

67
00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:59,090
You ought about there catching
criminals.

68
00:06:59,980 --> 00:07:01,030
Criminals.

69
00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:02,490
Hmm.

70
00:07:03,820 --> 00:07:07,560
I don't know. Where's me watch?

71
00:07:09,380 --> 00:07:11,000
Is this what you're looking for?

72
00:07:26,700 --> 00:07:27,750
What have we here?

73
00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:33,260
Peter Sebastian Anthony Swainsbrook. The
Marquess of Tipperary.

74
00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:34,600
Well, well, well.

75
00:07:34,601 --> 00:07:37,279
All of human life is here this morning,
isn't it?

76
00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:41,740
One cat burglar, one flasher, and now a
Marquess. Should I bow or curtsy?

77
00:07:41,741 --> 00:07:45,939
Apprehended at the Green Channel at
Heathrow. When challenged, he was seen

78
00:07:45,940 --> 00:07:47,140
swallow something, sir.

79
00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:48,770
Naughty boy.

80
00:07:49,180 --> 00:07:50,600
It was a throat sweet.

81
00:07:51,820 --> 00:07:52,940
So, what's the ammo?

82
00:07:52,941 --> 00:07:55,909
Well, we've got to keep him here till
the drug squad get here. Take a seat,

83
00:07:55,910 --> 00:07:56,960
Uranus.

84
00:07:56,961 --> 00:08:00,689
I've got a couple of guys coming up from
West End Central.

85
00:08:00,690 --> 00:08:01,740
Ooh,

86
00:08:01,770 --> 00:08:03,470
detective inspectors, eh?

87
00:08:04,230 --> 00:08:05,670
Only the best for his worship.

88
00:08:05,671 --> 00:08:09,949
Apparently, they've had him under
surveillance. They reckon he might be

89
00:08:09,950 --> 00:08:11,410
some big American operation.

90
00:08:11,930 --> 00:08:15,689
Officer, why don't you just call my
father and save us all a lot of time and

91
00:08:15,690 --> 00:08:19,149
embarrassment? This old man's got a bit
of a pull, apparently. You'll probably

92
00:08:19,150 --> 00:08:21,860
catch him having elevensies with the
Home Secretary.

93
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:23,340
Get him out of here.

94
00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:24,880
Shall I put him in a cell?

95
00:08:24,881 --> 00:08:29,499
No. Better put him in one of the
interview rooms. But don't let him out.

96
00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:30,550
even for a royal wee.

97
00:08:30,860 --> 00:08:33,390
You wouldn't want him flushing away the
evidence.

98
00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:36,980
Right. Let's go, Poppet.

99
00:08:40,500 --> 00:08:41,550
Oh.

100
00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:43,890
Oh.

101
00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:47,330
Dive.

102
00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:49,400
Turn the star enough, will you?

103
00:08:49,860 --> 00:08:50,910
Caesar!

104
00:09:09,140 --> 00:09:10,960
Come on, get on with it.

105
00:09:11,900 --> 00:09:13,220
What's all the rush for?

106
00:09:14,360 --> 00:09:18,659
Last night, before the lights went out,
the super told us we'd got to be at

107
00:09:18,660 --> 00:09:20,140
Paddington Green by nine.

108
00:09:20,940 --> 00:09:22,320
We're only half an hour late.

109
00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:24,900
Look, I'm in enough trouble to be here.

110
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:26,250
Yeah, you're right.

111
00:09:26,251 --> 00:09:29,449
The super said it's something to do with
the identification of a suspect.

112
00:09:29,450 --> 00:09:30,500
It's all in that.

113
00:09:31,610 --> 00:09:35,270
To the naughtiest detective in my
husband's police force.

114
00:09:35,970 --> 00:09:37,020
Kiss, kiss.

115
00:09:37,490 --> 00:09:39,890
All my love and tonguey -tickles.

116
00:09:40,850 --> 00:09:44,230
Marjorie. Underneath that. What's
written underneath that?

117
00:09:44,510 --> 00:09:47,850
P .S. Call me Friday. Misery Guts is at
a conference.

118
00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:49,750
Underneath that.

119
00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:52,190
Tonguey -tickles.

120
00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:53,970
Come on, what does it say?

121
00:09:54,350 --> 00:09:55,470
Oh, brilliant.

122
00:09:56,190 --> 00:10:00,590
Gordon Patrick Opkirk, age 40, also
known as Flash Gordon.

123
00:10:01,430 --> 00:10:05,530
Today and all days, a flasher. It gets
worse.

124
00:10:05,790 --> 00:10:10,689
He's also been known to call himself
John F. Kennedy, Claudia Huddyford and

125
00:10:10,690 --> 00:10:11,740
Dalai Lama.

126
00:10:11,810 --> 00:10:17,269
17 convictions for indecent exposure,
history of delusions, arrested for

127
00:10:17,270 --> 00:10:20,230
flashing in Texas home base in
Paddington.

128
00:10:20,610 --> 00:10:23,130
Paddington? It was Paddington Bear.

129
00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:31,250
If he was nicked in Paddington, why
aren't the Paddington Club dealing with

130
00:10:31,251 --> 00:10:34,879
Well, according to the computer, he fits
the description of that bloke who

131
00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:38,980
exposed himself in our local branch of
the Iceland Freezer Centre two weeks

132
00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:40,500
What is his description?

133
00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:43,260
White, short, wrinkled.

134
00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:47,470
If he does it in a freezer centre, what
does he expect?

135
00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:53,640
Oh, and he's got a noticeable operation
scar above his right hip.

136
00:11:00,810 --> 00:11:02,130
Now listen to me. What?

137
00:11:03,370 --> 00:11:06,790
I dance with who I like, when I like.

138
00:11:08,610 --> 00:11:13,209
And you can call me a maverick, but I
didn't spend the entire evening crawling

139
00:11:13,210 --> 00:11:17,370
up Superintendent Cottom's backside
trying to improve my chances of

140
00:11:17,730 --> 00:11:18,780
Okay?

141
00:11:22,310 --> 00:11:26,870
Now see what they've got to say to that.
This is Superintendent Cottom.

142
00:11:35,410 --> 00:11:36,890
Tea? Two sugars.

143
00:11:37,470 --> 00:11:41,150
My name is the Dalai Lama, and I don't
take sugar in my tea.

144
00:11:41,650 --> 00:11:43,820
When are you letting me out of this
pigsty?

145
00:11:46,710 --> 00:11:49,720
Sorry about the crockery. The Wedgwood's
in the dishwasher.

146
00:11:50,230 --> 00:11:52,510
Have you put the call through to my
father?

147
00:11:52,730 --> 00:11:56,449
It's been taken care of. Look, you do
know who my father is, don't you? I

148
00:11:56,450 --> 00:11:59,349
they have told you that he's a very
close friend of the Home Secretary and

149
00:11:59,350 --> 00:12:02,730
Commissioner Boyle. I don't care if he
plays poker with the Pope.

150
00:12:02,731 --> 00:12:06,519
Titles don't mean anything in here to
us. You're just another con.

151
00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:10,020
Oh, we'll see about that, you stupid
little man.

152
00:12:12,051 --> 00:12:16,619
Any sign of the two blokes from the drug
squad?

153
00:12:16,620 --> 00:12:17,919
They should be here any minute.

154
00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:20,939
I wish it was me who was dealing with
him. You don't think they'd let oiks

155
00:12:20,940 --> 00:12:22,200
us loosen him, do you, eh?

156
00:12:22,201 --> 00:12:24,739
Anyway, the commissioner's office had
called.

157
00:12:24,740 --> 00:12:28,699
Really? And they said we're not under
any circumstances to talk to the press

158
00:12:28,700 --> 00:12:30,200
about our blue -blooded guest.

159
00:12:30,570 --> 00:12:33,700
No surprise there. One rule for them,
one rule for the rest of us.

160
00:12:34,130 --> 00:12:35,210
It must be them now.

161
00:12:36,010 --> 00:12:37,210
Sorry we're a bit late.

162
00:12:37,910 --> 00:12:40,200
Been having a drink with Commissioner
Boyle.

163
00:12:40,950 --> 00:12:42,000
And his wife.

164
00:12:42,390 --> 00:12:43,440
That's very nice.

165
00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:44,780
You'd better come in.

166
00:12:45,330 --> 00:12:48,770
So, they make you dress up to interview
a Marquess, do they?

167
00:12:49,230 --> 00:12:53,669
Marquess? I ain't got one of them on the
list. I suppose you want some tea sent

168
00:12:53,670 --> 00:12:57,050
in? Yeah, and some Alka -Seltzer. Or
some Ruka's aid.

169
00:12:57,051 --> 00:13:01,179
Oh, you're going to flush it out of him,
are you? And some water and three

170
00:13:01,180 --> 00:13:02,980
aspirin. You'd better make that five.

171
00:13:03,220 --> 00:13:05,300
And a Mars bar or a Twix for me?

172
00:13:05,540 --> 00:13:07,180
How about liquid paraffin?

173
00:13:09,060 --> 00:13:10,560
Does that help? Apparently.

174
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:13,420
Well, I'll give it a go.

175
00:13:14,540 --> 00:13:16,220
Can't be any worse than Winderley.

176
00:13:19,500 --> 00:13:25,200
So... Are you Gordon Patrick Upkirk of
No Fixed Abode?

177
00:13:25,460 --> 00:13:29,360
No. I'm the Marquess of Tipperary. Of
course you are.

178
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,720
And he's Mungo Jerrold.

179
00:13:33,100 --> 00:13:35,800
Five aspirins. Five aspirin. A Mars bar.

180
00:13:35,801 --> 00:13:36,699
Mars bar.

181
00:13:36,700 --> 00:13:40,940
A Twix. Twix. And ask them to try to get
hold of some liquid paraffin.

182
00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:42,900
Paraffin? Paraffin.

183
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,640
And some liquid paraffin.

184
00:13:47,411 --> 00:13:55,059
Let's get this unpleasant business over
as quickly as possible. My friend and I

185
00:13:55,060 --> 00:13:56,380
are just a little bit tired.

186
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,040
I demand to talk to my father.

187
00:13:58,260 --> 00:13:59,820
Just drop your trousers.

188
00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:03,480
Just drop them. Let's see the evidence.

189
00:14:03,820 --> 00:14:05,900
That you will not drop my trousers.

190
00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:08,780
You've gone all coy all of a sudden,
have we?

191
00:14:09,060 --> 00:14:11,440
Come on, get them up. Without raging.

192
00:14:11,441 --> 00:14:15,059
You know, as well as I do, you're not
allowed to make any physical or internal

193
00:14:15,060 --> 00:14:16,920
examination without a warrant order.

194
00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:20,880
Interrogation Procedure, Section 4,
Subsection 15.

195
00:14:23,660 --> 00:14:24,710
We knew that.

196
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:27,530
Of course we did.

197
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:29,770
Smartass.

198
00:14:30,580 --> 00:14:32,320
Not according to this description.

199
00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:37,830
Why would you want me to drop my
trousers anyway?

200
00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:39,090
Tell him, Bob.

201
00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:40,960
We know about the operation.

202
00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:42,810
Operation?

203
00:14:42,811 --> 00:14:44,919
What do you know about the operation?

204
00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:46,720
It's all down here in black and white.

205
00:14:46,940 --> 00:14:48,060
I have nothing to say.

206
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:50,260
So, what sort of shape is he in?

207
00:14:50,261 --> 00:14:53,619
Well, the last time I spoke to him, he
thought he was the Dalai Lama.

208
00:14:53,620 --> 00:14:55,440
The Dalai Lama? That's what he said.

209
00:14:55,441 --> 00:14:58,999
The stuff has reached the stomach. The
container might have burst. He might be

210
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:02,060
hallucinating. Your Highness, your
visitors have arrived.

211
00:15:08,020 --> 00:15:11,270
Are you Peter Sebastian Swainsbrook, the
Marcus of Tipperary?

212
00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:16,260
Yes, yes, that's me, sir. The Marcus of
Tipperary.

213
00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:18,040
We've got to hang it here.

214
00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:19,330
You've got balls.

215
00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:22,470
With my record, sir, I would say that is
beyond question.

216
00:15:27,020 --> 00:15:29,920
Oh, you won't get your trousers off.

217
00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:35,979
Let's talk about the time you exposed
yourself in Texas. I went to Texas on

218
00:15:35,980 --> 00:15:39,410
business, and you don't have a shred of
evidence to prove otherwise.

219
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:42,740
Okay, what about the incident in
Iceland?

220
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:44,690
Iceland?

221
00:15:45,220 --> 00:15:46,360
Mum's gone to Iceland?

222
00:15:46,361 --> 00:15:50,719
Except when Mum goes to Iceland with you
around, she has more than a frozen out

223
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:52,040
of touch, if you can tell me.

224
00:15:52,100 --> 00:15:54,500
I don't know what you're talking about.

225
00:15:54,970 --> 00:15:57,770
What about the cold meats counted as bee
jams?

226
00:15:58,770 --> 00:16:00,110
Bee jams?

227
00:16:01,330 --> 00:16:03,930
1984, possession of cannabis resin.

228
00:16:04,610 --> 00:16:08,150
1986, possession with intent to supply.

229
00:16:09,290 --> 00:16:11,090
1990, possession.

230
00:16:12,050 --> 00:16:14,880
Active participant in campaign to
legalise marijuana.

231
00:16:15,110 --> 00:16:19,349
I suppose you think as long as it's soft
and not hard, it doesn't matter, don't

232
00:16:19,350 --> 00:16:20,400
you?

233
00:16:21,050 --> 00:16:22,490
Something like that, sir.

234
00:16:26,190 --> 00:16:30,890
You see, what I don't like is what
possible pleasure you can get out of it.

235
00:16:31,250 --> 00:16:32,390
It's very relaxing.

236
00:16:32,970 --> 00:16:36,160
Oh, come, come. You're not going to tell
me you've never tried it.

237
00:16:37,590 --> 00:16:38,640
Too ridiculous.

238
00:16:39,210 --> 00:16:40,260
How about you?

239
00:16:40,330 --> 00:16:41,380
You look the type.

240
00:16:42,350 --> 00:16:43,450
Not even once.

241
00:16:43,810 --> 00:16:45,050
Not even at a party.

242
00:16:45,810 --> 00:16:50,030
Well, there was... No, but... It's
disgusting, that's what it is.

243
00:16:50,370 --> 00:16:53,270
Oh, please, spare me the moral
indignation.

244
00:16:53,770 --> 00:16:56,780
You both know as well as I do it'll be
legal in ten years' time.

245
00:16:56,870 --> 00:16:57,920
Legal?

246
00:16:58,090 --> 00:17:00,010
You are stark, raving mad.

247
00:17:00,250 --> 00:17:01,930
Have you never been to Amsterdam?

248
00:17:02,270 --> 00:17:03,890
Once, by mistake.

249
00:17:03,891 --> 00:17:08,269
Well, you'll know that there are bars in
Amsterdam where you can roll your own

250
00:17:08,270 --> 00:17:10,070
in public, and it is perfectly legal.

251
00:17:12,530 --> 00:17:17,050
Yes, well, there are lots of things you
can do in bars in Amsterdam.

252
00:17:17,390 --> 00:17:18,440
It is England, mate.

253
00:17:18,990 --> 00:17:21,280
Land of toasted tea cakes and Harry
Seacombe.

254
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:24,250
And you can't get away with that sort of
thing here.

255
00:17:24,260 --> 00:17:25,839
Especially not in B -jams.

256
00:17:26,619 --> 00:17:29,100
Can we stop going on about B -jams?

257
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:33,360
OK. I think it's time we talked like
grown -ups.

258
00:17:34,660 --> 00:17:35,920
We all know the situation.

259
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:38,460
All we want is a few names.

260
00:17:38,671 --> 00:17:40,719
Name, sir?

261
00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:41,880
You cooperate with us.

262
00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:43,600
Maybe we can do a deal.

263
00:17:44,300 --> 00:17:45,860
Keep your name out of the papers.

264
00:17:46,980 --> 00:17:48,540
Spare Daddy his blushes.

265
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:51,840
Get the commissioner off the hook.

266
00:17:52,260 --> 00:17:55,030
But you want me to give you some names,
sir. That's right.

267
00:17:55,340 --> 00:17:57,690
You want the names of the people at the
very top.

268
00:17:59,220 --> 00:18:01,100
I can certainly do that for you, sir.

269
00:18:03,580 --> 00:18:04,630
John.

270
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,010
John.

271
00:18:07,700 --> 00:18:09,120
John Major, sir.

272
00:18:10,620 --> 00:18:13,080
And Vera Lynn.

273
00:18:13,420 --> 00:18:14,680
That's another good name.

274
00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:27,440
Doesn't seem to be on the same planet.

275
00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:34,360
There'll be love and laughter and peace
ever after.

276
00:18:34,361 --> 00:18:38,679
Superintendent Cotton, I'm here to see
Detectives Briggs and Lilly.

277
00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:42,799
Who? I sent them to talk to Flash
Gordon. They did arrive, didn't they?

278
00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:43,779
them, yeah.

279
00:18:43,780 --> 00:18:46,310
Interrogation room one, down the
corridor. Right.

280
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:49,300
And peace ever after.

281
00:18:50,380 --> 00:18:51,580
Oh, sorry.

282
00:18:52,420 --> 00:18:53,470
Wrong room.

283
00:18:57,390 --> 00:18:58,440
You two.

284
00:18:58,990 --> 00:19:00,040
Oh, hello, sir.

285
00:19:00,250 --> 00:19:01,790
Don't you, oh, hello, sir, me.

286
00:19:01,791 --> 00:19:05,609
Do you have any idea who I've just been
speaking to on the phone?

287
00:19:05,610 --> 00:19:07,850
No, sir. Commissioner Boyle. Oh, dear.

288
00:19:08,170 --> 00:19:09,510
Having problems, are we?

289
00:19:10,201 --> 00:19:17,909
Apparently, the commissioner's beloved
wife, Marjorie, woke up this morning

290
00:19:17,910 --> 00:19:18,960
a smile on her face.

291
00:19:19,670 --> 00:19:23,450
Smiling and whispering the same name
over and over again.

292
00:19:24,050 --> 00:19:25,150
Bob, she kept saying.

293
00:19:25,410 --> 00:19:26,710
Bob. Bob.

294
00:19:27,461 --> 00:19:34,969
From what I hear, you're both as bad as
each other. First of all, you lambarded

295
00:19:34,970 --> 00:19:38,489
her down to the cloakroom, and then
Louis here dropped down on her from a

296
00:19:38,490 --> 00:19:39,540
chandelier.

297
00:19:40,190 --> 00:19:41,690
It doesn't make the same sense.

298
00:19:42,550 --> 00:19:45,370
Apparently, she compared you to Errol
Flynn.

299
00:19:48,450 --> 00:19:50,370
I know what these dues are like.

300
00:19:51,230 --> 00:19:52,670
We all have one or two too many.

301
00:19:53,450 --> 00:19:54,970
Even I overdid it on the punch.

302
00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:58,430
You drank the punch, sir? Yes, Briggs, I
did.

303
00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:01,820
But I showed a modicum of restraint. I
knew when to stop.

304
00:20:03,940 --> 00:20:05,620
Stuff tasted disgusting anyway.

305
00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:10,779
But I didn't start swinging from the
light bulbs, taking advantage of a

306
00:20:10,780 --> 00:20:14,210
-aged woman who's going through a very
difficult time at the moment.

307
00:20:14,700 --> 00:20:16,560
The commissioner was almost in tears.

308
00:20:16,820 --> 00:20:18,240
Anything I can do to help.

309
00:20:18,241 --> 00:20:20,139
Would you like me to put in a word?

310
00:20:20,140 --> 00:20:21,560
You can shut up and all.

311
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:25,420
I'm here to see my son, Peter.

312
00:20:26,710 --> 00:20:29,010
Oh, you must be the Duke of Connemara.

313
00:20:29,290 --> 00:20:30,340
Is he all right?

314
00:20:30,870 --> 00:20:32,010
Go and see for yourself.

315
00:20:32,250 --> 00:20:33,570
Room two down the corridor.

316
00:20:33,750 --> 00:20:36,830
I'll take you there myself, but I'm a
bit busy today.

317
00:20:37,630 --> 00:20:38,730
Sorry, Your Highness.

318
00:20:41,630 --> 00:20:42,680
Okay.

319
00:20:42,681 --> 00:20:45,109
Let's talk about the New York end of the
operation.

320
00:20:45,110 --> 00:20:46,160
New York, New York!

321
00:20:46,470 --> 00:20:47,520
Stop!

322
00:20:51,810 --> 00:20:52,860
It's home.

323
00:20:53,550 --> 00:20:54,630
It's a beautiful city.

324
00:21:03,810 --> 00:21:04,860
Problem. What?

325
00:21:06,390 --> 00:21:10,269
It was. That was the Duke of Connemara.
I saw him on some golf do the

326
00:21:10,270 --> 00:21:11,320
Commissioner held.

327
00:21:11,490 --> 00:21:12,540
So?

328
00:21:13,390 --> 00:21:17,569
So, if that was the Duke of Connemara,
how come he didn't...

329
00:21:17,570 --> 00:21:23,710
So what's the Commissioner planning to
do, sir?

330
00:21:23,930 --> 00:21:29,130
He wants you both moved to the Dumfries
Bovine Transferable Diseases Squad.

331
00:21:29,131 --> 00:21:33,339
I don't suppose either of you have ever
heard of bovine spongiform

332
00:21:33,340 --> 00:21:34,390
encephalopathy.

333
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:38,320
Well, it's easy for you to find after.

334
00:21:39,300 --> 00:21:42,120
I hear Dumfries is rather nice this time
of year.

335
00:21:42,540 --> 00:21:44,660
But only at this time of year.

336
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:49,840
Look, I have had enough of you, Flash
Gordon. Just drop your bloody trousers!

337
00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:53,480
What the hell is going on here?

338
00:21:53,481 --> 00:21:54,399
Who are you?

339
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:55,780
I'm the Duke of Connemara.

340
00:21:56,380 --> 00:21:57,430
I'm his father.

341
00:21:58,220 --> 00:22:01,900
God, not another one. Father, get me out
of this madhouse.

342
00:22:01,901 --> 00:22:05,919
The Duke of Connemara, the Mark with the
Tipperary, are all your family named

343
00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:06,970
after pub.

344
00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:09,810
What's your wife called? The Green
Dragon.

345
00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:12,140
My wife happens to be dead.

346
00:22:12,460 --> 00:22:15,290
You're sure she's not just closed down
for renovation?

347
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:20,490
No, it's not.

348
00:22:20,780 --> 00:22:21,830
Must be the pension.

349
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:27,340
Lord, may I say what a great pleasure it
is to meet you again.

350
00:22:29,930 --> 00:22:31,730
Did I just see the Duke of Connemara?

351
00:22:31,731 --> 00:22:32,809
You did.

352
00:22:32,810 --> 00:22:34,530
And it did come, didn't it?

353
00:22:35,050 --> 00:22:37,610
It did. Oh, that's Flash Gordon.

354
00:22:38,030 --> 00:22:39,710
And that was a typical reason, yes.

355
00:22:39,711 --> 00:22:44,129
You may not remember me, sir, but I did
have the very great pleasure of meeting

356
00:22:44,130 --> 00:22:46,540
you at one of the Commissioner's golf
evenings.

357
00:22:46,541 --> 00:22:47,369
Oh, yes.

358
00:22:47,370 --> 00:22:50,849
And may I say, sir, what a wonderful
evening it was. And what a marvellous

359
00:22:50,850 --> 00:22:53,260
speech you made in honour of the Home
Secretary.

360
00:22:53,630 --> 00:22:57,090
Yes. Yes, thank you. So you're... A
Cottom, sir.

361
00:22:57,610 --> 00:22:58,810
Superintendent Cottom.

362
00:23:00,100 --> 00:23:03,180
Are you in charge here, Cotton?

363
00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:05,380
Well, after a fashion, sir.

364
00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:12,179
Well, Superintendent, there's obviously
been some sort of mistake concerning my

365
00:23:12,180 --> 00:23:13,230
son.

366
00:23:15,140 --> 00:23:17,520
This is your son?

367
00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:20,570
Excuse me, there seems to be some sort
of mix -up.

368
00:23:20,660 --> 00:23:21,710
Hello, Louis.

369
00:23:21,940 --> 00:23:23,420
Well, that's all we need.

370
00:23:23,700 --> 00:23:25,600
Bill and Ben, the drug squad, men.

371
00:23:25,601 --> 00:23:27,799
Been recognising without your make -up.

372
00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:28,960
Hell of a do, wasn't it?

373
00:23:29,390 --> 00:23:30,830
What are you two doing here?

374
00:23:30,831 --> 00:23:33,949
We're here to interview the Marquess of
Tipperary. I'm the Marquess of

375
00:23:33,950 --> 00:23:36,169
Tipperary. No, you're not. You're Flash
Gordon.

376
00:23:36,170 --> 00:23:37,330
No, he's Flash Gordon.

377
00:23:37,790 --> 00:23:39,230
No, sir, you got it wrong, sir.

378
00:23:39,510 --> 00:23:44,169
I'm Sparky the Magic Piano. This is a
farce. In that case, you won't mind if I

379
00:23:44,170 --> 00:23:45,220
drop my trousers.

380
00:23:49,630 --> 00:23:51,870
Chill, lads. You identified your man.

381
00:23:52,510 --> 00:23:57,090
Listen, nicking one lousy flusher is not
going to save the career of two men.

382
00:23:57,640 --> 00:24:01,319
who spent the early hours of this
morning playing hide -the -ferret with

383
00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:03,040
Commissioner Boyle's wife.

384
00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:04,820
The commissioner, you say?

385
00:24:04,900 --> 00:24:06,300
Yeah, the commissioner.

386
00:24:09,500 --> 00:24:11,790
Me and him are being transferred to
Dumfries.

387
00:24:12,260 --> 00:24:14,900
I wouldn't worry about Commissioner
Boyle, lads.

388
00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:16,170
Well, you wouldn't.

389
00:24:16,220 --> 00:24:19,650
It's not you going to Dumfries to have
your Niagara's frozen, is it?

390
00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:21,170
It's within wheels.

391
00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:25,820
But if they can scratch each other's
backs, then so can we. Very interesting.

392
00:24:27,370 --> 00:24:29,480
Yeah, give us a swig of this liquid
tariff.

393
00:24:30,010 --> 00:24:31,810
You're not thinking, are you, lads?

394
00:24:32,110 --> 00:24:33,160
Come with me.

395
00:24:33,590 --> 00:24:35,510
I'm sorry about all that, sir.

396
00:24:35,790 --> 00:24:38,450
No, no, no, no. It's not your fault,
Cotton.

397
00:24:39,370 --> 00:24:45,149
But I do think it would be best all
round if we sorted this whole thing out

398
00:24:45,150 --> 00:24:46,109
between ourselves.

399
00:24:46,110 --> 00:24:49,330
But your son is suspected of a very
serious crime, sir.

400
00:24:49,570 --> 00:24:50,630
Oh, come now.

401
00:24:52,050 --> 00:24:53,430
Chief. Superintendent.

402
00:24:54,250 --> 00:24:55,330
Superintendent, sir.

403
00:24:55,331 --> 00:24:56,459
Oh, I'm sorry, sorry.

404
00:24:56,460 --> 00:24:58,940
I was just thinking ahead.

405
00:24:59,660 --> 00:25:03,480
And you see, I was just now talking to
the Commissioner himself.

406
00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:07,880
The poor chap is rather distraught about
some domestic problem.

407
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:12,690
And if this thing got into the papers,
well, it would only make matters worse.

408
00:25:13,300 --> 00:25:18,220
You know, I mean, some of a close friend
of the Commissioner's arrested.

409
00:25:19,360 --> 00:25:21,160
It wouldn't look too good, would it?

410
00:25:21,860 --> 00:25:24,100
No, Your Lordship, it wouldn't. No.

411
00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:25,970
So...

412
00:25:26,820 --> 00:25:31,759
Frank, the Commissioner asked me to tell
you that he would be very grateful if

413
00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:34,900
we could just let the matter drop, OK?

414
00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:37,840
I don't really have the authority, sir.

415
00:25:38,100 --> 00:25:43,340
Oh, you will have, Superintendent, if
you see what I mean.

416
00:25:44,180 --> 00:25:45,230
Yes, sir, I do.

417
00:25:46,340 --> 00:25:47,840
Then we have an understanding.

418
00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:51,040
I don't see why not.

419
00:25:51,820 --> 00:25:52,940
Any go, lads.

420
00:25:55,030 --> 00:25:57,750
Not so fast, Your Highness.

421
00:25:58,150 --> 00:26:03,070
I beg your pardon? I think we both heard
what your noble dukeship just said,

422
00:26:03,110 --> 00:26:04,530
didn't we, Bob? We did, Dave.

423
00:26:04,950 --> 00:26:07,990
Sounded to us like nepotism, didn't it,
Bob?

424
00:26:08,530 --> 00:26:12,709
And it sounds to us like you're using
your family connections to get your

425
00:26:12,710 --> 00:26:13,760
up.

426
00:26:14,990 --> 00:26:18,990
Exactly. Now, lads, lads, just a minute.

427
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:27,880
Mr. Superintendent Collaborator
Quizzling, you're in on this as well.

428
00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:32,300
How would it sound if this story somehow
leaked?

429
00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:33,770
Nay.

430
00:26:34,420 --> 00:26:38,080
Trickled inexplicably onto the pages of
a tabloid newspaper.

431
00:26:39,260 --> 00:26:44,739
Trickle, trickle, trickle. Wouldn't look
good, would it, Tom? It would look not

432
00:26:44,740 --> 00:26:45,699
good at all.

433
00:26:45,700 --> 00:26:47,380
It would have a nasty smell.

434
00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:49,900
It would smell of favouritism.

435
00:26:50,500 --> 00:26:51,780
It would smell of...

436
00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:56,680
It would smell of burnt toast.

437
00:26:58,860 --> 00:27:03,360
Yeah, it would. Now, you must
understand.

438
00:27:04,580 --> 00:27:09,320
Understandeth I not the weft and warp of
mendacity?

439
00:27:10,660 --> 00:27:16,560
Liketh we not the idea of police
corruption?

440
00:27:19,470 --> 00:27:24,070
And don't forget, Your Highness, that
all police interrogations are recorded,

441
00:27:24,170 --> 00:27:26,710
courtesy of your friend, the Home
Secretary.

442
00:27:27,970 --> 00:27:31,460
Look here, Superintendent, can't you do
something about these two?

443
00:27:31,830 --> 00:27:34,430
Virtue and honesty hath not a price.

444
00:27:35,650 --> 00:27:39,290
Nay, nor never shall we play the wild
rover no more.

445
00:27:40,750 --> 00:27:42,130
What are you talking about?

446
00:27:43,390 --> 00:27:44,440
Watch it, mate.

447
00:27:44,490 --> 00:27:45,630
I think so.

448
00:27:45,631 --> 00:27:49,389
that you should give your friend the
Commissioner a little tinkle, a little

449
00:27:49,390 --> 00:27:53,909
matter of a transfer, hang over the
heads of my two hard -working colleagues

450
00:27:53,910 --> 00:27:54,960
here?

451
00:27:55,170 --> 00:27:58,550
Well, he's at home today. I don't have
his home phone number.

452
00:27:59,330 --> 00:28:00,380
I have.

453
00:28:00,381 --> 00:28:02,139
And I have.

454
00:28:02,140 --> 00:28:06,690
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